Sidekicks: Bob, Agent of HYDRA
I am so sick of superheroes, always “saving the day” right before the real heroes get a chance to flatten one overpopulated rat’s nest or another, like Metropolis or Los Angeles or somewhere with a lame-ass name like “Star City”.
Seriously, can’t these high-and-mighty assholes just lay off and let some baddies do some slaying? Who asked them to save a group of cynical hipster jerks right before they made a snide comment about our so-called “villain’s” supersuit? I’d like to see one of them try to find a decent electricity-conducting outfit that hugs the hips that well and comes in purple.
I mean, if you think about it, sometimes those murderous psychopaths are doing the rest of us a favour – or at least they would, if it weren’t for Captain Courageous and Mistress Magnanimous busting in and screwing it all up. But I guess it’s fine; I’ll just tolerate another unavoidable streetcar polemic about the amazing musicianship of Animal Collective.
But I think the worst part about these self-righteous blowhards is how they steal all the thunder. You’re gonna try and tell me that every hero defeats their villains single-handed? What about the innocent bystanders, whose screams are the only reason they get the chance to smite evil; or the police who fill out all the paperwork, handle the trial reports, take the statements and make sure the bad guy doesn’t just run off again at the first opportunity?
And what about the villains themselves? Let’s face it: if your idea of a fun Friday night is to dress up in spandex and a cape, give your hair a little gel treatment and head to the rooftops to search for a chance to “dish out justice”, that villain in your path is the only thing keeping you from trading your supersuit for a McDick’s uniform and giving up your slick one-liners for “would you like to supersize that?” and “sorry, but we’re currently out of Shamrock Shakes”.
If you ask me (which you’re not, but … well, tough), the real heroes are the ones who get the shortest end of the stick – usually the pointy end, too. They’re the ones who mend up the suit and hammer the dents out of their arrogant mentor’s armour in between skull-crackings; they keep the Whatever-Mobile clean, gassed up and full of washer fluid; they get kidnapped, beaten, used as bait and then sent back out the next day, only to be kidnapped, beaten and used as bait all over again. They’re the overworked, under-appreciated grunts who take all the shit and never get a gram of glory, like being the weekly contributor to an up-and-coming website on all things fandom –
I’ll stop there. I think Julian knows my address.
My point is, it’s not the heroes we should be rooting for; it’s the sidekicks. I think it’s about damn time that those staunch protectors of our … um, protectors … got a few words written in their honour. Lord knows there’s enough of them – sidekicks, that is – to go around.
And so, for this, my first foray into the realms of sidekickery, I’ll be delving into one of my favourite comics of all time – Deadpool.
I’m sure you’ve all heard the man known affectionately as “the merc with the mouth”, a sadistic headcase with an irreverent, sarcastic wit that only an irreverent, sarcastic son of a bitch such as myself can truly love. And I’ve gotta say, for a guy who prides himself on being a lone wolf, this guy’s got a pretty decent list of sidekicks.
I’ll start things off with a man who, to any true Deadpool fan, needs no introduction. Actually, an intro wouldn’t be very helpful anyway, since his name is Bob.
Yep. Just Bob.
Well, not just Bob. For us comic geeks, his full name is Bob, Agent Of HYDRA, but for my purposes, I’ll keep it simple.
Bob got into the terrorism business for the same reason most people do: his spouse. Tired of listening to constant bitching about how he could never keep a job, Bob decided to apply to the world’s fastest-growing industry – mostly because the pay was decent and there was talk of dental benefits. Of course, HYDRA didn’t offer full dental, but by the time Bob discovered that it was far too late, on account of the brainwashing and the complimentary uniforms.
Of course, it wasn’t until Deadpool coerced him into defecting through some extremely effective torture techniques that involved a security card (don’t ask…) that he joined the ranks of the … not quite evil, but … sort of good … when it suits their purposes.
Anyway, since then, the man with one name has had quite the illustrious career: member of Agency X; time-traveling teammate of Captain America and Bucky (a sidekick for another time); dimension-swapping savior of reality at the side of Doctor Strange; and Deadpool’s scurvy-inflicted parrot when the manic mercenary decides to try his hand at piracy.
Yeah, that was all Bob. And he still doesn’t have his own comic.
See what I mean about sidekicks? All guts, no glory. Hats off to Bob.
And hail HYDRA.
Keep kicking sides, Extremites.
Bob was first introduced in Cable &Deadpool #38. He can be found in Deadpool #6-15 and the World War Hulk series.